Today, with the sheer scale of social media and its role in our everyday lives, there are enormous networks of friends, colleagues, and connections that we allow into our virtual lives. And in this world (for many) of cleverly curated selfies and status updates, people are, in many cases, without realising it, creating their personal brand, painting the picture of themselves they’d like the world to see, and burying their truest selves. Fighting for likes, for follows, for assurances. Needing recognition because unwittingly they have become addicted to virtual and veiled kindness.

In the words of explorer Sir Edmund Hillary, “It is not the mountain we conqueror, but ourselves.” Never a truer word spoken, yet in today’s world, we are running from ourselves, and trying to climb that mountain. The question is, how can we climb the mountain, with strength, endurance, and joy, if we are unable to understand, to know, and to drive our true selves?

The earlier in life we can understand our truest selves and have the self-belief to express ourselves clearly and with pride, the more confident we are in ourselves, the more comfortable we are in the choices we make and the actions we take.

Authentic self-expression plays a vital part in our lives. When we don’t express ourselves authentically, when we hide behind a contrived veil, we repress our truths, we bury ourselves, we hide. And in doing just this, we are creating an internal struggle, and feeding our emotional pain. We are playing a character and wallpapering over our truth. Our inner turmoil, upset, and frustration increases, and at some point, will explode. Emotionally and destructively.

When we can express ourselves, we can share feelings, thoughts and ideas. When we understand ourselves, we can do the things that make us feel good, we can enjoy our life, our friendships, our actions, and activities. We can show who we are, and how we see the world. We are happier, more confident.

The most recent mental health statistics show that 18% of primary school children have issues. Many more struggle with challenges from bullying to bereavement. If we don’t help all children express themselves authentically, being proud of who they are, then how can we hope that the kids who are suffering the most, will ever feel free enough to speak up. By making self-understanding and self-expression play a vital part in emotional development, we are tuning our children into a skill that will help them become stronger, more resilient, and enjoy better, healthier relationships with themselves and those around them. Wellbeing is key to being well…

There are three key areas that families can work on to help their children develop self-belief, self-understanding and self-appreciation – all of which lead to them being able to express themselves with truth, pride and authenticity. All vital factors in nurturing their emotional development and levels of self-confidence – resulting in greater happiness.

Expressive Communication: Increasing Emotional Vocabulary

In just one day, we can have a myriad of feelings and emotions. Learning to understand, identify and articulate our feelings is an absolute pillar of self-expression. The more feeling states an individual understands, the closer they can get to identifying them, being able to share them, and importantly, being able to shift unhelpful feelings to more positive ones.

Research shows that when you can identify and name your feelings, the brain actually processes them better, and this in itself helps you feel calmer. And in being able to name feelings and understand them more thoroughly, you have the ability to express yourself more clearly to friends and family,

How people feel is such a vital part of how they express themselves, so the more people practice talking about feelings, the closer they become to being true and authentic beings, living a life of greater freedom through self-acceptance, and therefore self-expression.

Emotional Validation: Using Empathy

As parents, we tend to try and make our kids feel ‘better’ by reassurance. When they tell us that they feel ‘bored’ we try to ‘help’ by telling them that they have loads to do, that they should be grateful for how lucky they are – that they have siblings, toys, books, and so on. When they feel ‘down’ we tell them they shouldn’t worry, that they are not ‘down’ but they are a bit sad, and that this will pass. In doing this, we don’t give them space to ‘feel’. In fact, we are attempting to reframe their thinking. And we don’t realise that in doing this, we are actually making them less inclined to share their feelings in the future. They try to frame things our way, guessing what they think we want to hear, rather than expressing themselves openly. They begin to see us, not as a support, but as people undermining their sense of self, trying to control their feelings, make them see the world our way. They feel misunderstood and ignored. It's key that we learn to listen to our children, using empathy and validation allowing them to feel wholly understood, and heard without being judged. When kids begin to develop strong emotions, it’s our opportunity to connect and be there for them. Allow them to trust their feelings, experience strong emotions, and not become overwhelmed with them. So rather than jumping to try and second guess, or reframe, instead start with connection. A hug immediately reduces stress and promotes feelings of happiness and relaxation through the release of dopamine in the brain. So let this be your starting point, and space to remind yourself to stop, and listen. Don’t deny them their feelings with phrases such as “It’s not that bad” but if they are not finding it easy to talk, help them find a way to express themselves based on what you can see “I see you are angry”, or “I can tell that you’re very upset”, or if they have fallen “you seem to be in pain”. By helping them find a way to discuss and articulate their feelings, to express themselves clearly, you are providing a greater level of support, trust, and connection. And importantly, you are teaching your child that it’s OK to feel these ways, and fine to express them.

Empower by Participation: Family Meetings

When a family are truly connected and each member feels secure and safe to express themselves fully –and transparently – there is nothing better. Every member of that family begins to thrive, together, and as individuals. A great connection tool for ongoing self-expression is the Family Meeting. Holding regular family meetings can be a great way to build and maintain strong connections. It is a powerhouse in increasing the confidence and self-esteem of children and provides the perfect forum in which to give encouragement and praise, discuss challenges, and how to overcome them. Furthermore, Family Meetings provide an invaluable opportunity for each person to have their thoughts heard, and feelings acknowledged. These meetings enable everyone to have a say and all family members to be equal. Creating these meetings provides a platform for open discussion around set matters – whether it’s holiday planning, household rules, or simply a look back at the past month. The most important thing with these meetings is to give them a degree of formality. Where everyone’s views count, no one can disagree, everyone is listened to, and any decisions made are made together. This provides kids with a great platform to learn about teamwork, challenges, dealing calmly with conflict, reaching compromise, speaking freely, and listening actively. Skills that help them to understand themselves better, express themselves clearly, and have confidence that their opinions matter and that their thoughts and ideas are worthwhile.

The ability to express ourselves freely and with confidence is a skill that we begin to develop from the moment we begin to communicate – even non-verbally as babies. It is a skill that we can build on in life at any stage, but is best practiced, honed, and refined in the home, where we are surrounded by those who love us, and where we feel safe.