That insight shaped everything that followed. It’s why I wrote Kids Don’t Come with a Manual, why I built The Happy Confident Company, and why our flagship programme became Happy Confident Me. It was also reassuring when friends told me that the name felt like “me” because I had always been seen as the happy one.

For most of my life, happiness was part of my identity.

What I didn’t fully realise until much later was the cost of that identity.

When Happiness Becomes a Mask

Growing up, I learned very early that being happy was expected. Not in an intentional or harmful way, but through repeated messages that happiness was the “right” state to be in. When difficult emotions showed up, fear, sadness, anger, frustration, they weren’t really welcomed.

I didn’t consciously decide to suppress those feelings. It happened habitually.

Like anything we suppress, those emotions didn’t disappear. They built up quietly in the background. And when the reaction eventually came out, it often appeared as a strong emotional response. One that felt disproportionate, confusing, and surprising, especially for the people closest to me.

Anger, in particular, would surface suddenly. Not often, but intensely enough to create tension. Over time, my wife and children described it as feeling like they were “walking on eggshells”, never quite knowing what might trigger a reaction.

Through therapy and deep personal development work, I began to understand something crucial:
The issue wasn’t a lack of happiness. It was an over-attachment to it.

When I allowed myself to acknowledge all emotions, not just the pleasant ones, I became calmer, more grounded, and more emotionally available. That experience changed how I think about happiness, especially when it comes to children.

Core Happiness Is Built on Connection

What research consistently shows, and what we explored deeply in our recent webinar, is that happiness is not about feeling good all the time.

Deep, lasting happiness, what we call core happiness, is built on connection.

Connection with ourselves.
Connection with others.
Connection with our emotions, including the uncomfortable ones.

Long-term studies on happiness show that the strongest predictor of mental wellbeing is the quality of our relationships. Not success, not achievement, not constant positivity.

At its core, happiness grows when our basic human needs are met:

feeling safe
feeling loved
feeling understood
feeling valued

This is just as true for children as it is for adults.

Children Need to Be Heard, Not Fixed

One of the strongest themes from the webinar was a simple but powerful reminder:
Children don’t need to be fixed. They need to be heard.

When children are upset, our instinct as parents is often to move straight into problem-solving mode. We want to reassure, distract, or make it better quickly.

But before solutions come connection.

When children feel listened to and understood, their nervous system settles. They feel safe. Only then are they open to learning, reflecting, and growing.

This is where real emotional resilience comes from.

The Emotional Climate at Home Matters

Children absorb far more from how we are than from what we say.

Our tone of voice.
How we speak to ourselves.
How we handle stress, mistakes, and emotions.

None of us get this right all the time. And that’s okay.

In fact, moments of disconnect followed by repair are incredibly powerful. Apologising, explaining, and reconnecting teaches children that relationships are safe, even when things go wrong.

Perfection is not the goal.
Presence, awareness, and repair are.

Practical Ways to Build Happiness at Home

Happiness isn’t built through grand gestures. It grows through small, repeatable habits that strengthen connection over time.

Here are some practical ideas drawn from research and from our webinar conversations.

1. Make Gratitude a Family Habit

Gratitude is one of the most researched tools for increasing happiness and reducing worry and anxiety.

You can practise this simply by:

sharing one thing you’re grateful for at mealtimes
asking “What was good today?” instead of “How was your day?”

Writing gratitude down makes it even more powerful. Journaling helps children slow down, reflect, and build self-awareness.

This is exactly why we created the Happy Confident Me Daily Journals series, to help children develop this habit in a way that feels natural, supportive, and age-appropriate.

2. Create Space for Deep Conversations

Connection deepens through meaningful conversations, but many parents tell us they feel unsure how to start them.

One of the easiest ways is to learn together.

Watching a short video together, reading something, or exploring a topic as a family creates a shared experience. It gives children something to respond to and opens the door to deeper listening and reflection.

This is at the heart of the Happy Confident Club. We created it to support families in learning and growing together, and to make those important conversations feel natural rather than awkward or forced.

Often, the most powerful listening happens when we ask open questions and resist the urge to jump in with advice.

3. Focus on Appreciation, Not Just Praise

Praise often focuses on outcomes. Appreciation focuses on the person.

Regularly telling children what you appreciate about who they are, their kindness, effort, humour, or thoughtfulness, helps them build a strong inner voice.

Appreciation strengthens self-worth and helps children recognise their own value, even when things don’t go perfectly.

4. Build Connection Through Simple Rituals

Shared meals.
Time outside in nature.
Walking together.
Moments of play and laughter.

These simple rituals create a sense of belonging and safety. They don’t need to happen every day to matter. Consistency over time is what counts.

5. Allow Space for All Emotions

A happy child is not one who never struggles.

It’s one who feels safe expressing fear, sadness, anger, and joy without shame.

When children learn that all emotions are welcome, they don’t need to hide parts of themselves. That emotional honesty is a foundation for resilience and long-term wellbeing.

6. Notice the Small Moments

Happiness often lives in what we call glimmers.

A shared laugh.
A sunset.
A quiet moment together.
A genuine “thank you”.

When families intentionally notice and name these moments, children learn that happiness is something they can recognise and grow, not something they have to chase.

A More Honest Definition of Happiness

The happiness we want for our children isn’t about constant joy or avoiding discomfort.

It’s about helping them feel safe enough to be themselves.
Strong enough to face challenges.
Connected enough to know they’re not alone.

That kind of happiness is built slowly, through connection, understanding, and small moments of presence, repeated over time.

And that’s a kind of happiness that lasts.